Ian Hyland column

Dancing on Ice needs a little warming up to overcome Bolero fatigue 12 Mar 2013 02:08
it was beaten by a special episode of BBC1s muddy TV barbiturate Countryfile, which featured hedge laying with Prince Charles
Winners: Beth Tweddle and Daniel Whiston
Rex Features
Its fair to say Life Stories was a pretty emotional experience for Torvill and Dean last Friday night.
But I wonder what they found most upsetting.

Christopher discussing his difficult relationship with his real mum?
Jayne recalling the pain of not being able to have children?
Or the pair of them having to sit there while Piers Morgan went all Nudge, Nudge, Wink, Wink, Say No More as he cajoled them into answering what the 13-year-old boy inside his head clearly considered the most burning question of the day: had they ever had sexual relations with each other?
Its tempting to go with option three but Ill stick my neck out instead and bet on none of the above.
Because an even more painful memory was surely unearthed on the night when the Dancing On Ice producer recalled the shows heady days of pulling in more than 12 million viewers.
Contrast that with Sundays final which, once ITVs spin team had finished searching for extra viewers down the back of sofas, barely managed to nudge seven million.
Worse still, it was beaten by a special episode of BBC1s muddy TV barbiturate Countryfile, which featured wait for it hedge laying with Prince Charles.
Bet Alan Partridge wishes he had thought of that one.
If that doesnt tell ITV that there is something seriously wrong with DOI nothing ever will.
It remains to be seen whether they have the skill or inclination to do anything about the slump, however host Phillip Schofield said it would be back, and we should believe him.
(Well, its not like Pip to go shooting his mouth off live on air without being in full possession of the facts now, is it?)
I just pray the goons upstairs are not merely crossing their fingers and hoping that the 30th anniversary of T&Ds Olympics triumph will carry the show.
Particularly as theres not much more to say about the Bolero other than I think Ive seen enough Bolero now, thanks.
Bolero fatigue aside, there are other niggles.
The producers meddle too much 11 different judges across eight series tells its own story and they have mucked about with the points system more freely than Chris Huhne.
The biggest problem facing DOI though is simple.
It will always be fourth on any self-respecting and/or money-grabbing agents wishlist for their clients.
It lags behind Strictly, Im A Celebrity... and Celebrity Big Brother, and theres even an argument for Splash! pushing it down to fifth.
Last years cast wasnt good enough. This years was even worse, leading to the least enticing reality/talent show final ever.
ITVs celebrity bookers need to start hitting the phones and calling in favours NOW.
And it might be an idea to start adding some noughts to the contracts on offer.
If the bookers need any extra incentive they should perhaps chew on this: Prince Charles still has another 17 miles of hedges at Highgrove alone.
If he decided to throw in Sandringham as well then they really would be stuffed.
View gallery
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Dancing On Ice Finals View gallery Space oddity
Incidentally, re Countryfiles closing credits offering thanks to Nasa.
Was that because Nasa confirmed Matt Baker and Julia Bradburys sucking up to Prince Charles was so grotesquely massive it was visible from space? Dan dare
Going bananas: Louis and Dannii
IF you are able to ignore the reek of ITV self-promotion, the sight of Ant and Dec looking a bit too pleased with themselves, and the fact the bits with the new Little Ant and Dec are a tad squirmy then Saturday Night Takeaway is still the only show in town.
Ant and Dec joining in with Spellbound was brilliant on Saturday.
But the most amazing thing was Dannii Minogue pulling a face that strongly hinted Louis Walsh may have learning difficulties.
Partly because I didnt think that was allowed in this PC age.
But mainly because I couldnt believe Danniis face was able to move that much. Mind Goggling
I would have loved to have been at the meeting where C4s Gogglebox was given the go-ahead because Im guessing there was plenty of free drink flowing.
Basically, it consists of people being filmed watching the weeks TV in their own living rooms. And, er, thats it.
It did have its moments though. Not least the posh guy who claimed ITV wouldnt broadcast a programme if it was s* * *.
So he clearly doesnt watch ITV very often.
But most of the participants seemed to think doing impressions of Prof Brian Cox was the height of hilarity.
And thats Gogglebox in a nutshell. A load of Cox. Band of bothers
Latest news from ITV2s wonderful The Big Reunion: I was desperately trying to suppress an unhealthy crush on the beautiful one from B*Witched.
Abs from 5ive admitted: I dont want to make a fool of myself. (I fear youre a comedy Jamaican accent and several hats too late there, Abs.)
Andi Peters randomly said: Kerry Katona dramatically self-combusted in 2001. (Chip pan fire?)
And Kerry herself declared: I remember having the biggest crush on Jay from 5ive.
If Jay was having second thoughts about his decision not to join this reunion, I think its safe to say they have now disappeared. I've had my Phil
I know soaps arent famed for their grip on reality, but Phil Mitchells continuing reign as the love god of Albert Square is getting really ridiculous.
Hes getting more action than Harry Styles would at his mums school reunion.
But come on, if Phil came down the lift on Take Me Out the girls wouldnt just turn their lights off theyd take the bulbs out. No Relief
Im looking forward to the return of Ricky Gervais as David Brent on Comic Relief this Friday.
The word on the street is hes turned into even more of an embarrassingly delusional monster over the past 10 years.
And I bet Brent has as well. Derek idol
One last burst of sad piano music at the final episode of C4s care home comedy Derek as the husband of an Alzheimers sufferer claimed he was lucky because: Who else gets to fall in love 365 times a year?
Oh, I dunno. Give Simon Cowell a mirror and hed have a good go at it. Pie eyed
Urgent message for 92-year-old Food Glorious Food contestant Eunice, who revealed last Wednesday: Ive been cooking this pasty since I was three years old.
I think itll probably be done now, pet. Fighting talk
A man was up in court last week for punching a fellow guest on The Jeremy Kyle Show.
That really is shocking.
He gets that close to Kyle, but punches someone else. Future's not orange
All is not well at Towie, it seems. Viewers have been deserting it in their thousands.
And now it appears several cast members are threatening to quit, too.
Oh dear. I fear the end is nigh. Would the last one to leave please turn the sun lamps off? Let Loose
When it was announced that departing Corrie star Shobna Gulati would be joining the Loose Women line-up I briefly wondered whether that would make her the programmes first non-white regular.
The answer is no, of course. Jane McDonalds been orange for years. Jailhouse mock
Im not saying ITVs 1900s drama Mr Selfridge has been taking liberties with history.
But when Selfridge said: The King is coming to Selfridges I half-expected to see Elvis banging out Jailhouse Rock in haberdashery. Load of pony
Whoever came up with the idea for Shetland (BBC1s new detective drama set on, well, take a wild guess) had obviously been watching too many Scandinavian imports.
Sadly, the one thing about those imports which they didnt borrow was the thing that would have been most useful. Subtitles. Well, you married him, love
Christine Hamilton, This Morning, on Friday: Were all very close to rats. Dance? No thanks
Final thoughts on Lets Dance For Comic Relief 2013?
Lets do something different for 2014. In de-Nile over weight gain
Lovely to see the Top Gear fellas in Africa searching for the point at which the Nile starts.
But if that beach ball up Jeremy Clarksons shirt was anything to go by he should now turn his attention to the point at which the diet starts. Tu cruel
Theres a new twist on The X Factor this year, where people can nominate someone to audition in front of the judges.
Ive already nominated Tulisa. HyPlayer
What to catch up with on Catch Up:
* BBC4s The Worlds Oldest Joke. A fascinating search and discovery. I wont tell you the joke, but I can reveal Bruce Forsyth was the first to tell it. In 4054 BC.
* Call The Midwifes series finale. Featuring one particularly amazing scene: Miranda Hart lying on a stretcher yet resisting the temptation to fall off it.
* ITVs Broadchurch. This murder mystery just gets better and better. And Pauline Quirke gets scarier and scarier.
Agree? Disagree? Add your comments below.

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